i’m not confident.

i’m not confident.

i’m not so firm in my belief of self that i don’t question my worthiness of opportunities i’ve not only worked for, but also prayed for for time in memorial.

when i wake up in the morning, my first thought isn’t “i’m a boss ass bitch and i rule the fucking world”

when i put on my favorite outfit, my first thought isn’t “damn, i’m so sexy, everyone is attracted to me”

i’m not confident.

maybe i once was, as a child, when i didn’t have much of a care (or better yet, an awareness) of how much what people thought of me meant.

i was a very outgoing child. i was an MC at school events, acted in plays, did every sport that crossed my mind, performed my music for anyone who would listen.

back then, i was confident.

no one defined me, except for me.

i’m not confident.

as i write these words, i don’t think to myself, “everyone who reads this will be so mind-blown by my intriguing piece”

in fact, as i write these words, i don’t really have much of a care about who’s going to hear them and what they’re going to think of me (or so i say)

i’m not confident.

i question myself every waking moment, every chance i get whenever i’m not consuming or creating media.

sure, i tell myself that i am worthy of success, worthy of the opportunities that have presented themselves to me, worthy of acceptance, worthy of confidence, but i don’t really believe it.

i’m not confident.

i’m just so sick and tired of not being able to express myself. so sick and so tired of fitting into people’s boxes of who i am, of who i want to be, of who i can be. i’m so goddamned tired of all these emotions just coursing through me and having to hide them beneath the layers of my clothing because my fear of a negative public perception eats at me.

i’m not confident.

i’m just so sick and tired of hiding.

and i’d like to believe that that is worth so much more than confidence.

you don’t need confidence to be sick and tired, you just need to be.