derealization.

i’d like to think that all this was worth it.

i’d like to think that there was a reason, a goal, a mission laid ahead of me that i was set to complete in order to unlock the next stage of my life.

see, i’m 19. some would say i’m relatively young. some would say i’m relatively old.

my mother sees me as her new born child despite me being taller, heavier and louder than her.

my friends see me as a relatively smart neanderthal.

my teachers see me as a kid with potential that has yet to be unlocked.

my siblings see me as a protector, the one to come to when mom is being a bit too strict, the one to bring them sweets every once in a while, the one to beat at monopoly and snakes and ladders, the one with enough skills to be an engineer because i fixed the wifi by simply turning it off and on again.

me? when i look in the mirror, i see an old child. i see a bouncing baby granny. i see a manly woman, a womanly man, a childlike adult and an adult-like child.

when i look in the mirror, i see the frame of a person, with the mind of a person, the heart of a person and the body of a person. i see a person in that mirror, a person i’d like to meet, a person i hope would like to meet me too.

i don’t know the person in the reflection but i know their traits, i know their appearance, i know their voice.

is it me? hopefully.

i’m so many things, to so many people,

i can do so many things, with so many people.

with every breath in, i am so many people,

with every breath out, i am no one.

there are so many colors in this universe. some we have yet to name, others we are yet to see. some we may never truly get to ingest, some we can only wish to possess.

if i were to describe myself using one color, it would probably be gray…

that sounds really depressing.

i am depressing.

i am a let down, i am a loser, i am ugly, i am loud, i am impulsive.

i am angry. and sad. so, so angry, and so, so sad.

today, i am whatever the voice in my head decides.

unless that voice goes quiet. then i am a bystander.

i am a product of the things i do, and the things that i don’t.

i am here, i am there, i am everywhere, i am everyone...

i am no one.