"you talk so articulate"

I talk so articulate. Like I know the meaning behind every word I say, like I feel the emotion behind the history of the language I speak. Like the syllables come from a place that's not so far from me. I talk like English is not only my first language but my first home, like the shelter provided by the vocabulary is better than the place I call my abode, like the consonants provide constant comfort compounding the walls of my soul. I talk like A, E, I, O, U are the names of loved ones I hold more dear to me than life itself. I talk so articulate. The accent doesn't seem forced, not much like my smile. I talk like liking the word "like" isn't unprofessional because I know what it's like to be unprofessional. I talk like my mother's tongue is a disgrace, like my country's dialect is ancient and outdated, like the people around me are peasants. I talk like royalty. I talk like I have a place set out for me at the grandest of tables, where only those with influence get to reserve a seat. I talk like this.

Not because I deem myself holier than thou. Not because my seat is held up for me and none can fill it in my absentia. I talk like this because this is the only way people listen. The only way people put value to my adjectives is with a hard "R" and an elongated double "E" for I. I talk like this because I have been taught that this is how to be respected. That this is how to be seen, that in my Kenya I am only considered important if I sound like I am not from here. I talk like this because I have been taught to believe that my ancestry is only worthy of acknowledgement by tourists. That in a room with my peers I should not sound too indigenous, that in a room with my fears I should sound foreign. Like that changes how you see the melanin on my skin. That my "tan" is cosigned out when I emphasize the O in "hello". That I automatically have more funds in my accounts if I refer to the police man as "officer" instead of "afande". I talk like this because it shows my status, and wards off peasants, or so I've been taught to be the standard. So I emphasize the "O" in Nicole, hoping to forget that it is the same O in "alone". I talk like this because I don't know any other way to speak and be heard. I talk like this because it commands respect, or better still, attention. I talk like this to fit in, so that my followers can see me as "bougie" enough to speak well on my name. I talk like this in a vain attempt to cover my true identity, because even I don't know who lays behind the mask. I talk like this, and I don't think I will ever stop, I don't think I CAN ever stop.