worthy - am i?

worthy: having or showing the qualities that deserve the specified action or regard.
am: first person singular of be
i: used by a speaker to refer to themselves

i believe it,

that whatever i am not holds more weight than whatever i could be.

i see it,

all the joy that i don’t possess, all the hope that left me when the going got tough,

because when the going got tough the happiness got going,

when the going got tough my flaws were always flowing

the river of my inaccuracy was flooding, and i was just but a bucket, filled with holes

filled with indentations in my arms like that of a bar code

i became a product. an expensive one,

because i wasn’t free from my mind, free from the voices and the friends i made outside

every real interaction felt like a hallucination, cause surely only my internal demons would speak to me like that

and so i wore a mask.

i cut my hair short,

i told myself that if i changed my appearance, if i got rid of what i was, then somehow i’d trick myself into becoming what i wished i was

i cut off everybody i knew from my seemingly happy days, because all they did was remind me of a person i envied,

the person i once was, a person i could never be.

see, my past is the anchor of my ship,

and for a long time i thought that meant that it kept me stable, kept me afloat

but with time i’ve come to realize that anchor kept me from moving,

i was stagnated at a point, so desensitized to the war ensuing in the thick walls of my skull that i thought all i needed was to stop,

stop thinking, stop speaking, stop being, stop living.

and now it sounds like i’m giving a testimony on how saved i am,

but i’m not. i’m still lost,

and most days, i look to that anchor as my comfort,

because it held me down when my mother’s arms were too busy defending her body,

when my father’s arms were too busy holding his wife and kids,

as if i just spawned out of nowhere,

forbidden,

most days i perceive myself as a product of lust,

one that cannot be loved, only sought after,

one that becomes obsolete after an orgasm.

some days i believe it,

and on those days, those days where it feels like my being is that which cannot receive harmless affection,

that which cannot be derived from love and connection,

i go back to the beginning of this note, and read those points, from 3 to 1.

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