vaguely expressed emotions.

i never learned how to knit.

i kinda wish i did, because i expose my bare naked ass mind on the internet for a couple of clicks and likes and i can’t even make myself a pair of underwear to hide my skin. open myself up to the scrutiny and judgement of the whole world because i don’t believe it can possible get worse than the verdict the jury in my head has declared. thinking i matter and all manner of grandiose thoughts, thinking what i say changes anything for anyone, thinking... i do too much of that for my own good. maybe that’s why i’m depressed. and maybe it really all is in my head. my room’s a mess but so am i if my story was set in a place i’d like to think it would be barcelona but that’s not even a funny joke anymore because he doesn’t even play there. playing. the mickey mouse song plays in the sitting room reminding me there’s kids that wish their whole life was playing while i’m wishing for once it would be serious. take me serious. this is not a cry this is not a plea i’m not going to beg you to help me just pass me a gun with a bullet and bet on how fast i’ll pull the trigger on whoever it is i see in the mirror because i rarely recognize that reflection, i know it’s not me. then again, who is? what do i like? living? that’s a chore. dying? i’ve tried and tried but the ducking heavens have said no and who am i to ignore their message. einstein said stupidity is doing the same thing twice and expecting different results. i did the same thing 7 times expecting to have decomposed by now but all that happened is my girlfriend got her wishes while i was left here suffering. guess it’s my fault for falling for someone almost as broken as me. i say almost because the angel of death didn’t reject her. her pretty face, smooth skin, she was the kind of person even the devil would do good for. but that’s not the point. so what is?

i don’t know. i never do. it’s the one recurring theme here. but here i am, doing the same thing and expecting different results, expecting somehow the answers will birth themselves out onto this notes app and my shallow mind will try to process them but of course to no avail because i am nothing. nothing but stupid. stupid enough to still be alive.